“As much as I would like to say, I married for love, I didn’t”, when AdaPia d’Erric spoke in her Goalcast feature, she said that her perfect Renaissance painting from the outside was cracking on the inside.
Being stuck in a loveless marriage could be terrifying at times. Already considered a ‘sacred bond’, breaking off a marriage takes a toll on the participants; especially the pressure is double on a woman. You would feel like you are answerable to everybody. It could result in deeper psychological issues, even depression and anxiety, among others. Furthermore, a marriage in India is not just two people, it is an entire family. Also, most people have kids and the consequences on them are equally grave. Hence the majority of the people choose to stay ‘stuck’. But sooner or later there is a saturation point and waiting till it hits the ceiling is worse than communication at the early stage.
In an India of arranged marriages and students taking oaths of ‘no love marriage without parents’ consent’, marriage without love is, regretfully, not a deal-breaking issue.
Marriage in India is complex. It transcends tradition and culture, the personal and the public, goes into the interwoven complexes of a family and heritage, and is scarred by caste and religion. Furthermore, being a married woman is far more complex. However, in ‘modern day marriages’, wherein most individuals do have a choice and say, whether it is an arranged marriage or even a ‘love marriage’, the possibility to feel trapped is very natural.
A Loveless Marriage is a Choice.
Whether you have been married for an entire lifetime or just got hitched, realizing maybe that ‘marriage is not your cup of tea’ or ‘maybe, he isn’t the one’, or maybe you seek freedom from the confines of customs, or no reason at all, there is always a way out. The assurance today would be, you do have a choice.
So hence the aggravating theme of this article is that if you feel stuck in a loveless marriage, and you have realized there is a capacity for alternate options, you should definitely take the step. Because otherwise, you wouldn’t have considered it in the first place.
Happiness is important and it is just a choice away.
A marriage is a communion between two people based in and out of love. Hence it is supposed to be positive. But if the very foundation of it doesn’t seem right, then the fact that there is a problem needs to be acknowledged.
If you are not happy, your marriage won’t be either. And maybe choosing to leave a loveless marriage could be the better option.
Communication is life-saving.
Honest communication with your spouse, children and parents is important and it matters. This is the most important communication that you will have. Because sometimes silence is defying. Opening up helps to realize how easier things could be.
Maybe we were making it complex with our assumptions on fear. Maybe we will find alternate solutions that are more viable. Maybe we are able to figure out reasons to make it work even.
And most importantly, think before you leap.
Even if you may feel like your marriage is suffocating you, be very sure of your decisions. Be honest with yourself if you really want out or you want to give it another shot. Weigh your options very carefully. And be extremely truthful with yourself first. Since marriage is again not an individual agreement it is a grave decision.
Ask for help if you need.
Eventually, if you feel stuck in your loveless marriage, know that there is always help available. You can talk to a trusted family member or friend who will be able to reassure you and give a broader perspective. You can always consult a marriage counsellor, with your spouse. Or you can talk to a therapist about your problem.
You could consider another shot.
However, sometimes, marriages may have a hard time working out successfully owing to reasons like unfulfilled expectations or circumstances that could cause resentment to brew. When these are unaddressed, this may cause drift in the relationship.
Then you can take the time to evaluate the bigger picture and your priorities.
Communicate your needs and desires. Communicating the issues helps resolves it to a great extent.
Expressing your concerns and taking a neutral stand goes a long way. Sometimes you may not be ignoring your own faults.
Finally, give it time and start small.
It will make things clear, whether repairing a broken marriage is the right thing to do, or leaving is the better decision.
But if you are clear about your intentions and a loveless marriage is making it worse, then letting go is the best thing that you can do. It is not a selfish decision, it is rather the best thing for everyone involved. There are many instances of ex-couples retaining and reviving their friendship. Most people even find their right partner after letting go of the wrong one. Children deserve a healthy environment for growth, and staying together in a failing marriage may actually be the opposite.
When AdaPia decided to leave her 9 years of perfect marriage from the outside, ‘the painting of her life lit on fire. But she unexpectedly found a masterpiece, one that was veered on truth’.
A loveless marriage is a choice. Ultimately would you not choose love?